November 20th 2017. That was the day our whole world came crashing down. I’ll never forget that phone call at work or the sound of Ryan’s voice. “Easton stopped breathing” were the piercing words on the other end. I remember Ryan frantically telling me I needed get to the hospital right away. I got off the phone and I just froze unsure what to do next. I instantly went into a state of shock and disbelief. How could this be he was just smiling at me that morning? This can’t be real he was perfectly fine when I dropped him off at daycare.
I was a half hour away and had to drive myself to the hospital after only knowing that my baby stopped breathing. I felt so helpless. I remember the second I got into my car I cried out to my brother Marc. I begged him to please help my baby. Please let him be ok. I then called my Mom crying saying “He’s dead Mom. There’s no way he can survive with out breathing” She tried staying positive for me but I could hear the worry in her voice and she was also crying. My Dad and her were also rushing to the hospital. Someone from the hospital then called me to see how far I was. The man stayed on the phone with me to make sure I got there ok. I told him I just wanted to know if my son was ok and all he could say to me was that they would speak to me when I got there. I knew right then it was bad. I vaguely remember the drive there but I somehow managed to arrive at the same time as my parents.
When I arrived to the hospital Easton was still in the ER being worked on. I’ll never forget the look on the nurses and doctors faces when I walked through the double doors to his room. Ryan was standing off to the side in shock watching as they worked on Easton. It did not even look like our baby who was lying in the bed hooked up to all the machines and tubes. A friend of mine who happened to be working on Easton came over and explained what was going on. He had been revived but we would soon find that only gave us false hope. He then had to be moved up to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. It was there that we were given the devastating news.
The Doctor asked if she could speak to Ryan and I and brought us into a room with one of the nurses. I remember the Doctor had said to us I just want you to know it’s really bad and Ryan asked how bad like he’s not going to make it bad and she just shook her head yes. She then went on to explain everything that was going on with his body and what the plan was going forward which I didn’t hear any of. Instead all I could do was ask “So there’s no way he’s going to make it?” She then told me again that he wouldn’t make it and that he had been down for too long. All though he had been revived it was too late. Easton had lost too much oxygen to his brain and organs. I asked numerous times what happened to him. They didn’t have a single answer for us. All they could do was offer us some time with Easton and to keep him comfortable.
Family and friends showed up and we all spent some time with Easton. We had a priest come in and baptize him as we all stood around him in his room. I kept telling myself this is all just a bad dream and that I’d wake up soon. This isn’t real this can’t be real he was fine that morning. This doesn’t make any sense. This can’t be happening. We can’t possibly be enduring this again. What happened to my baby?
I was able to hold Easton in my arms for a while. He was so cold and all I wanted to do was keep him warm. I kept looking down at his eyes hoping they would open. I still didn’t believe he was going to die. I was hoping Easton would prove them wrong. After all our strong willed little boy had fought his way back to us. I kept hoping for a miracle. I stared at him admiring his perfection and amazed at how big he had gotten. I kissed him on the forehead several times telling him I loved him. I can only hope he felt my love and that he knew I was there.
As the hours passed Easton was starting to look worse. Everyone was just waiting on me to say when it was ok to let him go. But how could I ever be ready for that? His life was still just beginning. I had so many plans for him. So many things I never got to see him do. I asked the nurse what would happen next if we kept him alive and she explained to me that he would start to bleed out of his ears as his organs were failing. He had bled out of his nose and that felt normal to see but blood in his ears would of been a lot harder to watch. It was then that I finally made the decision to take him off the ventilator. I knew it was time as I couldn’t watch him suffer. I wanted him to go peacefully.
The doctor and nurses began removing the iv’s and the breathing tube from Easton’s mouth as we watched knowing it was time to say goodbye to our sweet boy. They quickly wrapped him up in a blanket and placed him in my arms. We were finally able to see Easton again. Our baby with no wires or a tube attached to his face. It wasn’t long after that I heard him let out his last breath in my arms. November 21st 2017 at 3:51 am our baby boy was pronounced dead.
I’ll never forget the guilt I felt leaving him in that hospital bed. It felt so wrong to leave our baby behind. We had never left him before. I wanted to stay with him as long as I could as I couldn’t bare the thought of him being alone. A nurse then came in the room and told me she’d stay with him. We then made the long walk through the hospital. We walked out of the same hospital doors that we had walked out of 4 and half months prior. Only this time with empty arms. We left confused, heart broken, and completely shattered. There was no way to prepare for any of this. That day had become the worst day of our lives.
The following day was the day before Thanksgiving. On a night where I’d normally go out and spend time catching up with old friends I now found myself in a funeral home holding my lifeless child. I needed to see him again and I yearned to hold him just one more time. He looked so beautiful and peaceful. My parents and Ryan’s parents had also come to see and hold him again. It was heartbreaking to know that all of us in that room had endured the loss of a child. It opened old wounds for our parents who still grieve the loss of their own. Now they had to watch their children endure that same pain. Pain they never wanted us to feel or ever know.
That Saturday was Easton’s Memorial service. So much of that day is a total blur. None of it felt real and I was still in shock. I remember it being beautiful just like him. I can’t really remember who was there as so many had come to give their condolences and cry with us. It was the unthinkable and no one could fathom what we were going through. It took all the strength I had to stand there and keep it together when every single part of me wanted to be with Easton. After his service was over Ryan and I spent a little more time with him alone. We had his tiny white casket open so we could see him one more time and say our goodbyes. We left our picture with him and we wrote him a special message on the back of it. We wanted him to always have us with him and for him to always know how loved he was.
It’s been a year since Easton passed and it’s still just as painful as it was then. It’s hard to believe an entire year has passed since I last saw his big smile or last held him in my arms. Some days I still feel the weight of it all as if it just happened. I still have my bad days but they have lessened a bit. His death has changed me in so many ways. I am no longer the same person I once was. I do what’s best for me now and put myself first. I now look at the world differently and I’m even more appreciative for all that I still have. I never ever take this life for granted. I see all the kindness and compassion that still exists in so many. I’ve slowed down and made sure to never let time pass me by. And I always always choose love.
Easton taught me so much about life in his short time here. He gave me the best 4 and a half months of my existence. His unconditional love and pure happiness is what I will remember most. I will always love with all my heart just like Easton did.
I will continue to do good and make an impact in honor of him even on the hardest days. I will always keep his memory alive for the rest of my life. That is the reason why I’m still here. He is my reason. He loved me all of his life and I will love him all of mine.
Some day I will hold you in my arms again little man. I love you so much Easton Marc 💙
You are my everything
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